We all have a default way of seeing life, and we don’t always notice when we’re stuck in it. Some of us tend to view things as “everything is good”, and for others, the viewpoint is “everything is terrible”. But really, everyone one of us lives a life that is a mixed bag.
I often talk to my clients about these opposite ends using the analogy of a clock pendulum. This works for all kinds of situations, but here’s the basic gist: neither end of a pendulum is healthy or sustainable. What we’re looking for is somewhere in the middle. It won’t be perfectly centered, because it will always sway a little, but it will be somewhere in that middle space.
The two opposing ends
When you live at the "everything is terrible" end, you miss the little bits of good that are there to balance it out (yes, they are always there).
When you live at the "everything is good" end, you miss the harder things. And those hard things are often what help you grow, change, and evolve into a different version of you.
You might recognize yourself (or someone you know and love) in either camp. Maybe it sounds like "everything is hard, and I'm just getting through it." Or maybe it's "it’s all good, all the time," because stopping to look at what isn't fine doesn't feel like an option.
But neither one is sustainable in a healthy way, and the trick is to live somewhere in between.
Why you can't just decide to be balanced
Here's the tricky part. You can't tell yourself, "Okay, starting today I'll see the good," or "I'll face the hard stuff and grow from it." That's not how the human brain works.
When you've been living in one camp, the first thing that often happens is a hard swing to the opposite side…and it lasts for a little while. If you really white-knuckle it, it might last longer, but it always wears off. This isn't because you're not disciplined enough, it's simply that you haven't built out those abilities in your brain yet.
Dip your toes in
So instead of forcing a change, start building these new abilities. And that starts with getting curious about where the other side might be showing up.
This doesn’t have to be a big leap to the other side. Just start dipping your toes in.
If you live in the "everything's good" camp, start by noticing, "Yeah, there might be a little hard here." Creating some awareness is the first step. It might sound like:
I said I was fine with our plans, but I was actually a little disappointed
That conversation stung a little more than I let on
I've been pushing through all week, and my body is asking for a break
I said yes to that, but part of me isn’t okay with it
If you live in the "everything's hard" camp, look for little glimmers in your day:
The colors in the sky are pretty cool right now
This moment sitting on my couch drinking my coffee feels really nice
Noticing the happiness you feel or the smile on your face when you see a friend
Enjoying a song you like (maybe even dancing or singing along a bit)
Your brain is Velcro for the hard stuff
If you're in the "everything's hard" camp, please don't consider it a personal flaw. You don't have to be stuck being a "negative" person, it's just how your brain is currently wired. You are running what you have, and that can change.
You see, the wiring of your brain is not just random. Your brain is Velcro for the negative. It grabs onto the hard stuff, holds it, and processes it immediately. And it's Teflon for the positive, so the good slides right off. (There's a reason for this, and that's a whole other conversation. Reach out if you’re curious about it.)
That makes storing the good stuff a lot harder. So when you notice something good (anything that feels good, looks nice, or falls into the "not terrible" category) it helps to stay with it. The science says somewhere between 20 and 60 seconds, I usually aim for 20 to 30.
Don't just glance at it and move on. Let it land. Otherwise, at the end of the day your brain says, "Today was terrible. Nothing good happened," even though you noticed ten great little moments along the way.
Try this
This week, whichever camp you tend to live in, see if you can notice that the other side exists a few times. Because balance isn't something you force, it's something you build one small moment at a time.
And if it's a good moment and you can stay with it for 20 to 30 seconds, that's a super win.
Feel free to let me know how it goes.
