Standing up for yourself doesn’t need to be a fight
In August, my husband and I will be empty nesters. My daughter goes to college and I will not be caring for kids on a regular basis for the first time in 23.5 years. So, kind of big.
He and I have been talking about what's next and maybe going on a trip to celebrate. So me, being the accommodating person that I am, said "I'm good to go anywhere. You know what I like, you come up with a place". Because my husband will spend a month, each day with a different place in mind, totally digging into it and figuring out all the details. And I'm gonna let him do that because it's what he loves to do...and something I don't enjoy doing at all.
So this morning, the conversation was: what if we go to the German Alps, stay with our friends in Munich for a few days, and then go to cool little mountain villages where we can relax and go to coffee shops and wander around and hike and enjoy all the things.
Then he goes on to say, "we'd leave the Saturday of Labor Day and come back the following Saturday". And I said, well, it's pretty likely that she will be coming home for Labor Day and it will be the first time we see her after starting college". He says, "but will she really?" I said, "well, if she's coming home for Labor Day for the first time from being away at school, I need to be home."
Here's what's different for me about the conversation above...
In the past I would have said, "it would be nice if we could be home when she's coming home". Instead, this time I caught myself and said "I need to be home".
Throughout my life I've been a great accommodator. If you know about the nervous system and those of you who have taken my HUM course, I'm an amazing fawner. I've now worked on changing that and showing up for myself, not just others, but it is my absolute wired-in go-to response.
I caught myself almost accommodating and giving up what I really wanted, which was to be here for the first time my daughter comes home from college. Even if I only see her an hour a day. I want to see her face and hear the stories, and for her to know that I am here and she is really important to me.
Catching myself in this was really important for me. This time, instead of making an accommodating statement to my husband, like, "you know, maybe it will be okay if we're not here", I said, "if she comes home, I am going to be here". It was a statement of what is important to me and what I'm going to do.
And I told him we could go the week after or the week before. And it worked out because the next day he said he found something great for the week after. (Also, this post was initially written a few weeks ago, and now our plans for the fall have completely changed.)
Here's what I was reminded of by this situation...standing up for ourselves doesn't have to be aggressive or mean. We're allowed to support ourselves and state what we need and can do it in kind ways.
